True Hoops

True Hoops

Sunday, June 12, 2011


Have you seen this man?

Name: LeBron James.
Height: 6'8"
Weight: 250 ibs
Age: 26 years old
Home town: Akron, OH
Residence: Miami, FL

Occupation: The baddest basketball player on the planet.
Nickname: The chosen one

Last seen: At work in Chicago, locking up a Rose
Since then several "witnesses" are believed to have spotted him in Dallas, guarding a "jet." 
"witnesses" also said James didn't appear to be his normal self, and looked passive.

Marital status: Single. 
Additionally, when asked about James's status reporters in Dallas repeatedly said "he wasn't engaged." He does have two children.

Numbers before disappearance: 26 points, 8.9 rebounds, and 5.5 assists per game on 46% shooting (38% from three).
Team record before disappearance:12-3

Numbers after disappearance: 17 points, 8 rebounds, and 7 assists per game on 45% shooting (30% from three).
Team record after disappearance: 2-3

At first our search bureau believed reports of James' disappearance were greatly exaggerated. He did disappear temporarily earlier this year for a game in Boston and Chicago, but showed up shortly there after. Furthermore, our bureau was hesitant to classify this as a missing persons case. James's numbers are still fairly superb, especially for someone running the point. Although, because of his other-wordly talents, athleticism, and skills we are forced to take his disappearance, triple-double and all, very serious. His where abouts have tremendous ramifications for two cities and is linked to the destination of gold and diamond rings.

1) A 7 foot German shooter named Dirk. 
Detailed description indicates this man has unruly blond hair, is unshaven, and is wearing a splint on his left middle finger. We have also heard that he has been sick in the last week, or at least played like it. Sources say James and this man had competing interests over their respective "legacies." The two were said to have agreed to settle their differences in the "Finals." It is believed Dirk recently called LeBron "immature" and "ignorant."

2) Co-worker Dwayne Wade. 
Sources say the two had a Heated exchanged while in Dallas. Apparently it was over James' unwillingness to shoot. Many have questioned the ability of these two to co-exist and compliment each other at work. Initial results indicate they actually were doing just that. Wade put up 30 points against Boston while James put up 28. Actually their numbers have been similar all year and especially the last two months. Still, many are concerned there may have been some sort of rift regarding responsibility - James appeared to do most of the work in Chicago, while Wade is doing most of the work in Dallas.

3) The Media and "Haters"
Analysis of documents shows an unparalleled about of criticism and vitriol applied to James in the last 11 months. Much of it is said to stem from a "Decision" James made last July.

4) LeBron James - Run Away 
No doubt James is under a tremendous amount of pressure, and has been for quite some time. Some sources say he is afraid to fail, others say he may be afraid of success. Perhaps it has finally gotten to him. James previously had the weight on an entire franchise on his shoulders and has even admitted in the past of "needing help."

His fans and supporters across the country have left him a note:
LeBron, we love you and we miss you.
Please come home.
Things were going so well, we planned a parade in your honor.

Our team just hasn't been the same without you. We've done things we haven't done in a while, like lose two games in a row. And now we face a life or death situation - as we are on the brink of elimination.

We have left your jersey for you in your favorite place back home in Miami.
Even though at this point many people feel you are already gone, we still believe and will be waiting for you Sunday evening. At this point we don't really care how many shots you make. We just want you to be aggressive and shoot the ball. Udonis and Mario have even said that you don't need to facilitate them anymore. We just want you to play with confidence and swagger, like we know you can. Please just remember, the only person in the world that can guard you is yourself. 

We realize all of the hate you have endured all year long. But we have fought it all the way with you. So please fight through it now - just for two more games.

We appreciate the talents you brought to South Beach. And we just want you to use them to be the best of your ability and fully realize you potential  as the best player in the world. 17, 10, and 10 is nothing to be ashamed about, but we know you can do even better, especially down the stretch. You have done it before. We know you can do it now. 

Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.

We know you're out there somewhere.
Right now we need you.

If LeBron James shows up over the next few days, Miami wins.
However, if James is not found, or doesn't at least find himself, Miami loses.

Millions will remain vigilant.
We are all hoping to know more by 8:00 pm tonight.

1 comment:

  1. With great power comes great responsibility. LOL Love it.